I can't get enough testing

Why can't things work the first time!

Thank you!!! I got my silver lining today, Friday the 13th! I've always loved this day. And even more so this year. Work was hell again, I was told an intern could do my job and frankly I am feeling a bit stressed, over-worked and harassed. However, my tax return came in and now it's time to personally stimulate the credit companies, even though I believe the government has already tried it. my measly $4000 isn't even close to a peek on the cheak compare to the home run Uncle Sam gave them last year. I feel like the US is in one sided relationship. The banks get to have all the fun while the american people have to stay home with the kids and clean up the house! When did the american people lose their rights and corporate conglomerates ran the country? But at least for this moment I feel rich! That is until Monday morning when the work ugliness starts again and I'm once again broke!

What a week. I'm completely slammed at work for no reason of my own. I keep getting pulled off large high priority projects to fix change modify or run in any number of circle around small insignificant problems project or whims my peers see fit. There is a method to my madness and they don't want to take the time to see it. If I have a project I am working on in one program on a project that has elements that are cross compatible then it is easier to simply maximize my time by working on two or three project simultaneously. This way I can get a bulk the layouts and designs in place and only have to worry about the review process when the time comes. But God for bid that I try to get a head start on things that are due a couple of week from now. I in turn always seem to be rushing at the last minute because of the constant nit-picking and micro managing. I see why the people I work with are where they are in their careers. I will not become one of those trapped souls who take their job so seriously that they can see beyond themselves and notice the possibilities of something new and cutting edge. That is where I want to be. On the new and cutting edge train! I want a job where I can be give parameters to guide me and still have the trust and freedom to do the best work I know without being throw under the bus or corrected and mis-managed to the point that the project always teeters on the brink of failure! I work in such a negative environment for such a positive cause! I am not saying I am any different than any of the other millions in the world with similar situations. I also don't deny that this won't happen again if I were to relocate to a new job. But there is a point where the value in scary unknown possibilities out-weigh the common knowledge of the hum drum of day in day out grief and aggravation of knowing that this isn't how things should be. So this is an all call. It's time to wake up and make a difference. IF you can follow your dreams then take the leap and make a change to something that may make you happy. If you can't leave your current situation start planning your escape. And if you are unsure simply step back and try to make a personal change sometimes it's not what is outside that causes the problems but the perception from inside that does. Make a change just to remind yourself that you are alive!

Ok I have submitted a image for a t-shirt design contest on Threadless.com. Check it out and vote for me! I know it's not very patriotic but it's a contest and I'm more interested in winning that actually making any sort of real polictical statement. SImple wins and simple sells. Thanks for reading and see youa round the web!

I lost myself last night. I looked inside myself and found a vast loneliness I never expeced to find. I was thinking about my son and how I want him to know that I love him more than anything in the world. I want him to know this and I started getting scared that he wouldn't understand that I loved him. That maybe a moment in time as he gets older he isn't going to know that I love him. Maybe he won't love me.

Then my thoughts wondered to the fact that no one can ever be sure that some one loves them. Does my wife love me? Will my daughter love me? There in the darkenss of my bedroom snuggled between a 4 year old, my wife and our daughter wrapped around my feet, I felt alone. I strayed deeper into my thoughts until there was nothing. absolutely nothing. I was there in the darkness surrounded by nothing. I was small and alone, cold and empty. Only a small speck of anything recognizable was there. I could slowly start to see in as my mind grew familiar with the feelings I was having.

I was an island surrounded by dark waters. The island was small but I was starting to feel more comfortable. The sand was reassuring and the lone tree was enough to prop up against and everything was again fine. Nothing close to normal but fine.

There I sat for the rest of the evening surrounded but everything feeling like nothing and stranded alone at 2:30am on an island in my mind. I couldn't sleep. I would slowly open one of my eyes to look at the never changing clock on the night stand. I was completely concious and utterly beside myself.

I sat on the island the rest of night. Nothing changed. I thought about what I was doing there and why am I thinking about this place. Was this some sort of dream or nightmare? Was I supposed to be learning something from this experience? I waited for something to happen something to learn but nothing came. I sat alone on a small island, leaning against a palm tree quietly until the morning came.

I knew this feeling would fade once I woke up for I knew that I had to be sleeping. My wife got up and went to work. I remember it well. I was neither sleeping nor completely wake. I was somewhere between both worlds and not completly a part of either.

The alarm rang and I got the kids ready for school. Nothing changed... I went to work, nothing changed. I sit and type this and nothing has changed... I still feel trapped between here and there. Am the dream thinking about reality? Am I someone's thoughts in reality about a dream? A Dream thinking about reality or Reality dreaming about a thought? Such is the crux of existance.

I only strive to be not alone.