What a week. I'm completely slammed at work for no reason of my own. I keep getting pulled off large high priority projects to fix change modify or run in any number of circle around small insignificant problems project or whims my peers see fit. There is a method to my madness and they don't want to take the time to see it. If I have a project I am working on in one program on a project that has elements that are cross compatible then it is easier to simply maximize my time by working on two or three project simultaneously. This way I can get a bulk the layouts and designs in place and only have to worry about the review process when the time comes. But God for bid that I try to get a head start on things that are due a couple of week from now. I in turn always seem to be rushing at the last minute because of the constant nit-picking and micro managing. I see why the people I work with are where they are in their careers. I will not become one of those trapped souls who take their job so seriously that they can see beyond themselves and notice the possibilities of something new and cutting edge. That is where I want to be. On the new and cutting edge train! I want a job where I can be give parameters to guide me and still have the trust and freedom to do the best work I know without being throw under the bus or corrected and mis-managed to the point that the project always teeters on the brink of failure! I work in such a negative environment for such a positive cause! I am not saying I am any different than any of the other millions in the world with similar situations. I also don't deny that this won't happen again if I were to relocate to a new job. But there is a point where the value in scary unknown possibilities out-weigh the common knowledge of the hum drum of day in day out grief and aggravation of knowing that this isn't how things should be. So this is an all call. It's time to wake up and make a difference. IF you can follow your dreams then take the leap and make a change to something that may make you happy. If you can't leave your current situation start planning your escape. And if you are unsure simply step back and try to make a personal change sometimes it's not what is outside that causes the problems but the perception from inside that does. Make a change just to remind yourself that you are alive!

Ok I have submitted a image for a t-shirt design contest on Threadless.com. Check it out and vote for me! I know it's not very patriotic but it's a contest and I'm more interested in winning that actually making any sort of real polictical statement. SImple wins and simple sells. Thanks for reading and see youa round the web!

I lost myself last night. I looked inside myself and found a vast loneliness I never expeced to find. I was thinking about my son and how I want him to know that I love him more than anything in the world. I want him to know this and I started getting scared that he wouldn't understand that I loved him. That maybe a moment in time as he gets older he isn't going to know that I love him. Maybe he won't love me.

Then my thoughts wondered to the fact that no one can ever be sure that some one loves them. Does my wife love me? Will my daughter love me? There in the darkenss of my bedroom snuggled between a 4 year old, my wife and our daughter wrapped around my feet, I felt alone. I strayed deeper into my thoughts until there was nothing. absolutely nothing. I was there in the darkness surrounded by nothing. I was small and alone, cold and empty. Only a small speck of anything recognizable was there. I could slowly start to see in as my mind grew familiar with the feelings I was having.

I was an island surrounded by dark waters. The island was small but I was starting to feel more comfortable. The sand was reassuring and the lone tree was enough to prop up against and everything was again fine. Nothing close to normal but fine.

There I sat for the rest of the evening surrounded but everything feeling like nothing and stranded alone at 2:30am on an island in my mind. I couldn't sleep. I would slowly open one of my eyes to look at the never changing clock on the night stand. I was completely concious and utterly beside myself.

I sat on the island the rest of night. Nothing changed. I thought about what I was doing there and why am I thinking about this place. Was this some sort of dream or nightmare? Was I supposed to be learning something from this experience? I waited for something to happen something to learn but nothing came. I sat alone on a small island, leaning against a palm tree quietly until the morning came.

I knew this feeling would fade once I woke up for I knew that I had to be sleeping. My wife got up and went to work. I remember it well. I was neither sleeping nor completely wake. I was somewhere between both worlds and not completly a part of either.

The alarm rang and I got the kids ready for school. Nothing changed... I went to work, nothing changed. I sit and type this and nothing has changed... I still feel trapped between here and there. Am the dream thinking about reality? Am I someone's thoughts in reality about a dream? A Dream thinking about reality or Reality dreaming about a thought? Such is the crux of existance.

I only strive to be not alone.

I haven't been writing as much as I have in the past. Hopefully this will get me back in the groove of things. Here I don't have to worry about fitting one chapter to the next or if what I am typing makes any sense. I can just let my fingers fly across the keys and.. if my daughter int erupts me one more time I think I'm going to blow up!

I love her to death but come on why do they have to be into everything they are not supposed to be into? Maybe it has something to do with the inflection and reactions we give them towards things that could possibly hurt them. What if we took a nonchalant attitude towards say running in the parking lot with out holding my fracking hand!!! then maybe they wouldn't find it fun to do in the first place?

I am sure there is a reason they do everything they do but since I don't have the patience to listen to them right now I don't think I will have the time to think deeper into this social... Damn it they are truly annoying today... I wish we could bottle this up and give it out to teen in high school. I am nearly through my 30s and this is aggravating... And they tell me it will never stop! I couldn't imagine dealing with this since say 18!

But that aside I love them to death. Often times it other things that set me over the edge like why can't the room mates do the fracking dishes? Or why do I have to walk the fracking dog that I want to send to the pound? Or laundry? What is so hard about folding the fracking laundry? it is so much easier to fold it that fumble through piles on the floor trying to figure out what is clean and what is not!

Usually those things get me started and then I get frustrated with the little ones. Most of the time I am able to step away and focus on them and forget the other crap that has piled up... But if things were death with immediately then things wouldn't pile up and the world would be a happier place! At least my world would be.

So this is short and sweat today because I have to fold the laundry do the dishes, and keep the kids out of the fridge and toilet!

I love Sundays!

Communication, Faith and the path to enlightenment.

My first blog... What sort of free thinking am I going to send out into the world? Blogging is such a strange thing. It's an opportunity to rant and rave about yourself. It's a bit conceited when you think about it. You type and type hoping that someone, anyone cares about what you have to say. Yet there is a part of your soul that hopes that someone out there, in the mist of cyberspace, understands and possibly cares about you and what is going on in your separate part of the world. I am sure there is some sort of psychological reason humans feel the compulsion to communicate.

Communication is the founding corner stone of our societies, our cultures, our world. If there is one thing we all have in common is the desire to communicate our thoughts and feelings to others around us. It is our way of exploring things outside of what we know or to reaffirm what we already know.

And in the scope of it all the one thing about communication that it is the tie that binds or the trust that's broken is the faith we must have in other to trust what they are trying to communicate to us.

The burning desire to explore and learn, to communicate is only as strong as the trust between the two people communicating. When that faith in communication is strong relationships build and grow into longer involved sessions. When faith is weak then communication is difficult and often leads toward misunderstanding.

Faith is a big part of our existence and it has nothing to do with religion. It has everything to do with the personal trust we must endow on those outside of ourselves. That common trust and our everyday experiences exploring the world around us through communication has lead us to believe that there is something known as God.

Does God exist? I don't think anyone will ever be able to know this and if they believe they have found or understand the essence of God then they truly haven't for God is nothing and everything, it is incomprehensible and in essence only a belief that was perpetuated by our desire to explore through communication, our faith in the information provided by those outside of ourselves, and the human desire to find connections to others who may share the same beliefs.

Anyone who says they understand God, understands nothing. They have simply have stopped searching for answers to question they may have. They have found a comfort level in the people and places around them and they have settled. They grow soft and comfortable, lazy and dull. They are stagnant.

God is not meant to be understood or found. It is meant to be experienced. There is a reason they call it the path to enlightenment, it is a journey that has only one beginning and one ending and the rest is just the filler. Where you go and what you do is how you will be defined in this life, how your story will be passed on through the ages.

You are only ever as strong as your faith you have in yourself. You are only as wise as long as you explore the world around you. And you only move further down the path of enlightenment by advancing how you communicate with the world around you.

So my first blog is a brief glimpse into the strange mind of a mad man. As you can probably see I am not a traditionalist. I don't usually conform and I tend to question things that are scared. They world needs to move onward instead of standing still in this realm of religion and social stagnation.

Is my blog a personal account of my conceit? Probably so, but I am searching for others who, while they may not agree completely with my ramblings, may help me along my path towards enlightenment.