I lost myself last night. I looked inside myself and found a vast loneliness I never expeced to find. I was thinking about my son and how I want him to know that I love him more than anything in the world. I want him to know this and I started getting scared that he wouldn't understand that I loved him. That maybe a moment in time as he gets older he isn't going to know that I love him. Maybe he won't love me.

Then my thoughts wondered to the fact that no one can ever be sure that some one loves them. Does my wife love me? Will my daughter love me? There in the darkenss of my bedroom snuggled between a 4 year old, my wife and our daughter wrapped around my feet, I felt alone. I strayed deeper into my thoughts until there was nothing. absolutely nothing. I was there in the darkness surrounded by nothing. I was small and alone, cold and empty. Only a small speck of anything recognizable was there. I could slowly start to see in as my mind grew familiar with the feelings I was having.

I was an island surrounded by dark waters. The island was small but I was starting to feel more comfortable. The sand was reassuring and the lone tree was enough to prop up against and everything was again fine. Nothing close to normal but fine.

There I sat for the rest of the evening surrounded but everything feeling like nothing and stranded alone at 2:30am on an island in my mind. I couldn't sleep. I would slowly open one of my eyes to look at the never changing clock on the night stand. I was completely concious and utterly beside myself.

I sat on the island the rest of night. Nothing changed. I thought about what I was doing there and why am I thinking about this place. Was this some sort of dream or nightmare? Was I supposed to be learning something from this experience? I waited for something to happen something to learn but nothing came. I sat alone on a small island, leaning against a palm tree quietly until the morning came.

I knew this feeling would fade once I woke up for I knew that I had to be sleeping. My wife got up and went to work. I remember it well. I was neither sleeping nor completely wake. I was somewhere between both worlds and not completly a part of either.

The alarm rang and I got the kids ready for school. Nothing changed... I went to work, nothing changed. I sit and type this and nothing has changed... I still feel trapped between here and there. Am the dream thinking about reality? Am I someone's thoughts in reality about a dream? A Dream thinking about reality or Reality dreaming about a thought? Such is the crux of existance.

I only strive to be not alone.

Communication, Faith and the path to enlightenment.

My first blog... What sort of free thinking am I going to send out into the world? Blogging is such a strange thing. It's an opportunity to rant and rave about yourself. It's a bit conceited when you think about it. You type and type hoping that someone, anyone cares about what you have to say. Yet there is a part of your soul that hopes that someone out there, in the mist of cyberspace, understands and possibly cares about you and what is going on in your separate part of the world. I am sure there is some sort of psychological reason humans feel the compulsion to communicate.

Communication is the founding corner stone of our societies, our cultures, our world. If there is one thing we all have in common is the desire to communicate our thoughts and feelings to others around us. It is our way of exploring things outside of what we know or to reaffirm what we already know.

And in the scope of it all the one thing about communication that it is the tie that binds or the trust that's broken is the faith we must have in other to trust what they are trying to communicate to us.

The burning desire to explore and learn, to communicate is only as strong as the trust between the two people communicating. When that faith in communication is strong relationships build and grow into longer involved sessions. When faith is weak then communication is difficult and often leads toward misunderstanding.

Faith is a big part of our existence and it has nothing to do with religion. It has everything to do with the personal trust we must endow on those outside of ourselves. That common trust and our everyday experiences exploring the world around us through communication has lead us to believe that there is something known as God.

Does God exist? I don't think anyone will ever be able to know this and if they believe they have found or understand the essence of God then they truly haven't for God is nothing and everything, it is incomprehensible and in essence only a belief that was perpetuated by our desire to explore through communication, our faith in the information provided by those outside of ourselves, and the human desire to find connections to others who may share the same beliefs.

Anyone who says they understand God, understands nothing. They have simply have stopped searching for answers to question they may have. They have found a comfort level in the people and places around them and they have settled. They grow soft and comfortable, lazy and dull. They are stagnant.

God is not meant to be understood or found. It is meant to be experienced. There is a reason they call it the path to enlightenment, it is a journey that has only one beginning and one ending and the rest is just the filler. Where you go and what you do is how you will be defined in this life, how your story will be passed on through the ages.

You are only ever as strong as your faith you have in yourself. You are only as wise as long as you explore the world around you. And you only move further down the path of enlightenment by advancing how you communicate with the world around you.

So my first blog is a brief glimpse into the strange mind of a mad man. As you can probably see I am not a traditionalist. I don't usually conform and I tend to question things that are scared. They world needs to move onward instead of standing still in this realm of religion and social stagnation.

Is my blog a personal account of my conceit? Probably so, but I am searching for others who, while they may not agree completely with my ramblings, may help me along my path towards enlightenment.