I lost myself last night. I looked inside myself and found a vast loneliness I never expeced to find. I was thinking about my son and how I want him to know that I love him more than anything in the world. I want him to know this and I started getting scared that he wouldn't understand that I loved him. That maybe a moment in time as he gets older he isn't going to know that I love him. Maybe he won't love me.

Then my thoughts wondered to the fact that no one can ever be sure that some one loves them. Does my wife love me? Will my daughter love me? There in the darkenss of my bedroom snuggled between a 4 year old, my wife and our daughter wrapped around my feet, I felt alone. I strayed deeper into my thoughts until there was nothing. absolutely nothing. I was there in the darkness surrounded by nothing. I was small and alone, cold and empty. Only a small speck of anything recognizable was there. I could slowly start to see in as my mind grew familiar with the feelings I was having.

I was an island surrounded by dark waters. The island was small but I was starting to feel more comfortable. The sand was reassuring and the lone tree was enough to prop up against and everything was again fine. Nothing close to normal but fine.

There I sat for the rest of the evening surrounded but everything feeling like nothing and stranded alone at 2:30am on an island in my mind. I couldn't sleep. I would slowly open one of my eyes to look at the never changing clock on the night stand. I was completely concious and utterly beside myself.

I sat on the island the rest of night. Nothing changed. I thought about what I was doing there and why am I thinking about this place. Was this some sort of dream or nightmare? Was I supposed to be learning something from this experience? I waited for something to happen something to learn but nothing came. I sat alone on a small island, leaning against a palm tree quietly until the morning came.

I knew this feeling would fade once I woke up for I knew that I had to be sleeping. My wife got up and went to work. I remember it well. I was neither sleeping nor completely wake. I was somewhere between both worlds and not completly a part of either.

The alarm rang and I got the kids ready for school. Nothing changed... I went to work, nothing changed. I sit and type this and nothing has changed... I still feel trapped between here and there. Am the dream thinking about reality? Am I someone's thoughts in reality about a dream? A Dream thinking about reality or Reality dreaming about a thought? Such is the crux of existance.

I only strive to be not alone.